Preface: Something happened last night that inspired me to write this post since my goal when I began this blog was to be honest and write about what hurts. I’m not ready to go into full detail just yet because I haven’t opened up to Justin about it, but, to give you a rough idea, Justin inadvertently told me something that, truthfully, broke my heart and made me ask myself some painful questions I’ve asked in the past.
I ask tough questions. If I’m thinking it, I’m going to ask it.
I once — several months ago — asked Justin if he really loves me and wants to marry me, or if he feels like he’s too far in at this point and is afraid to break up with me. After almost six years together, you start to wonder these things. I probably could have worded it a little better to soften the blow, but I’m not one to sugarcoat how I feel.
His answer was exactly what I expected. Because I had asked similar questions in the past, I knew he would tell me that he does love me and wants to marry me. That was the end of that … Until last night. I know it’s difficult to understand this fully without knowing the full context of what happened, so to help you follow along, just know that what happened last night was related to proposing.
What Justin said to me made me ask myself again if I thought he really wants to marry me. Do not get the impression that marriage is all I think about, because it is not. But, when you’ve been together as long as we have, you do start to wonder what the problem is. It’s not just that, though. I am at a stage in my life where I’m ready to be married and start working toward a family — one that includes tiny humans as well as my pets.
While I know I am by no means old, I am also not 22 anymore. If we were to become engaged this year, that would mean our wedding would be next year. I turn 27 in 2017. I wanted to started having children in my 20s, so again, let’s say I’m 27 when we’re married and we spend a year as husband and wife before we start TRYING to have a baby. That means the earliest I will probably have my first child is 29. Even that age is generous. That’s not what I thought my life would be.
My reasons for wanting to have babies before 30 are sad but very real, and yes, I have shared how I feel about this subject with Justin. He called me morbid. If I have my first baby at 29 or 30, that means if I am diagnosed with cancer at 40, our oldest will be only 10 years old if, God forbid, cancer takes my life like it did my mom’s. I don’t want my daughters to know the pain of not having their mother. It’s an incredibly sad thought, but when cancer has ripped apart your life like it has mine, that’s how you think.
So, when I ask Justin if he even thinks about proposing, getting married, and having children, I’m looking for a real answer to my very real question. Tell me what you actually are thinking because I’m left feeling confused and feeling like you lied to me to spare my feelings when you tell me something but your actions that follow contradict your answers. Please, don’t worry about hurting my feelings. I am by no means fragile or delicate. If you feel a certain way, tell me. Your honest answers to my honest questions will be better received and appreciated more than the bullshit you tell me because you don’t want to hurt me.