Today, I Sat In My Office and Cried

{Photo credit: Alisha Rudd Photography}

As you read this, please take away these two things:

Be kind to every person you meet. Everyone is fighting a battle no one else knows about.

Please, please, please never ask a couple when they’re going to have a baby. That is one of the most personal and intimate questions you can ask, and you probably have no clue whether or not they’re dealing with infertility or other issues preventing them from getting pregnant. If someone offers up that information freely to you, so be it. But, please, never pry.

It is no secret that Justin and I have wanted children for quite some time now. I even wrote about it in 2015 after returning from Disney World.

It was important for us to wait until we were financially ready, though. The last thing we wanted to do was bring a baby into the world when I was working nights and weekends at the Charlotte Observer.

So, we waited, and this past December we actually began trying to conceive (TTC).

This is a very exciting time for us as we prepare to hopefully one day soon find out we’re going to be parents.

However, this month was not our month even though I felt deep down in my heart that it was.

That’s why I had to excuse myself today, close my office door, and cry.

TTC is wonderful, but it is not easy. Every month that you don’t see two pink lines is devastating. And when your period does come, your cramps are a painful reminder that your body didn’t do what you wanted it to … again.

When I think about it, four months isn’t a long time at all to be TTC — there are women out there who have it much, much worse than I do — but four months honestly feels like a lifetime when you want something as badly as I want this. Especially when it’s something that you only have so much control over making happen.

This isn’t easy for my husband — my sweet, sweet husband — either, but he has been my rock each month. And he understands that writing this was important to helping me heal this month and be able to move forward.

Does anyone else out there feel absolutely defeated by TTC? Let me know in the comments below. 

Dammit, Hali


9 thoughts on “Today, I Sat In My Office and Cried

    1. It is so hard. This past cycle was my second time using an OPK. I definitely think it’s helping to keep me sane, but I’m also just like, WHY AM I NOT GETTING PREGNANT? Hopefully you get your little miracle soon ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I feel for you, Hali. My partner and I have recently embarked on our journey of ttc. Though very different than the process in a hetero relationship, the feelings are much the same. The thought of secondary infertility terrifies me, though I have no reason yet to think I’m suffering from that. Patience is just damn hard. I hope you get your two pink lines soon!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for sharing, Dana! Patience is definitely hard, especially since we only have a specific time of month when we can conceive and we can’t always perfectly predict it! And I’m not the most patient person, anyway. I hope you and your partner get your positive soon, as well. I’m sending happy thoughts your way!


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